Fear

Today I realized that I allow fear to dictate so much of my life. For example,yesterday we drove to Morehead to see Dad in the hospital. He decided hewanted some attention so he had a minor heart attack. they are still runningtests on him though so he will be in the hospital for a few days. Mostlythey want to increase his Lasix in order to try to get rid of some the fluidin his abdomen. Anyway, after they moved him from ICU to a regular roomtoday we drove home. My thought all day was when my grandmother passed away. My mom went down when she was admitted into the hospital and stayed a fewdays. THe night she drove home, my grandmother had another heart attackand died. Basically I was scared to leave. What if the same thing happens? What this? What that? The possibilities are endless.... yet I have nocontrol of any of them. Fear of no control. Fear of being hurt. In someways I think underneath it all fear is one reason I fail at losing weight. It is like I self-sabotage myself. If I stay big, i don't have to dealwith some areas of my life, especially the whole male relationship thing. Even though it is something I long for, it is also something that scaresme. The fear of rejection, the fear of being hurt, the fear of it not lasting,and deep down the fear of being undesirable. I know if I ever what a relationshipto truly work I need to get over my fear. Anybody out there have any suggestions???? Does anyone else deal with this issue? If so, what do you fear?

Sorry guys the dad will have a few more days... in some ways avoiding writing about it... letting it stay in my head.

thanks for listening
cheryl