Daddy

Okay... i've decided to sit down and actually write about my daddy. it is so hard to try to put into words the love I have for my daddy. I mean he is my daddy. He is someone i will always love, someone who holds a very special part of my heart, someone i will always admire. he is what a parent should be. he is real. he is human. he loves me like no other. i will always be his baby and he will always be my daddy. i love holding his hand watching television relaxing in our recliners. i love his hands. they represent so much to me.. hard work, dedication, love, promise, love, security, strength, wisdom. i love working beside him, and if you know my daddy we are always working or the list is at least going through his head. i love playing cards with him. i love his strong arms hugging me. i love his personality, his quiet, giving nature. he is one of the few in this world that actually puts himself last. he would literally give you the shirt off his back. i like to think i inherited that quality. i love giving him forehead sugar. i love to watch his brothers and sisters and the love and respect that have for him. i love to watch my cousins take care of him and listen to his wisdom and knowledge. i love him so much but i hate seeing him sick. i hate seeing him struggle for breath. i hate to see him needing his oxygen yet too stubborn and weak to carry it. i hate to see him constantly in pain. i hate to see him swollen and continually tired. i hate to him frustrated with this limitations. i hate to see my strong daddy weak. i hate to see him lose his appetite, starve but not being able to eat. i hate to hear him cough so hard he almost passes out. i hate to see him in pain. i hate to see him stumble because his neuropathy is so bad. i hate to see him jerk and flinch in his sleep. i hate to see his feet continually getting darker because of his poor circulation. i always preach quality of life rather than quantity. however my opinion changes when we are talking about those i love the most. it is a constant double edged sword. to see someone you love so dearly being so miserable and want relief for them but at the same time want to keep them close to you. the constant struggle of when the call will finally come yet totally dreading the call at the same time. life will never be the same. but i am so thankful for the time and the years. my daddy had this first heart attack about 12 years ago. over those past 12 years is when i actually got to know my daddy. i'll be honest that i have few childhood memories. but the memories i will always carry with me are the ones i have from the past few years. so i guess you could say i am grieving, grieving for what will never be. yet holding on to the time i have now.

cheryl